Not Enough Gold Sparklies on Taco Truck Independence Day

Today marks the first Independence Day I've spent living in Los Angeles. I can't help but compare the holiday to all of the other July 4ths I've witnessed throughout the years; and I've got to say; your firework displays are cute, Los Angeles, but you just didn't present enough gold sparklies to keep me entirely captivated.

First of all; why so much of the red/green combo? What is this, Christmas? Granted, pyrotechnic demonstrations are not foreign to my Christmas pasts, considering the amount of times grandma accidentally lit her table centerpiece or Christmas tree on fire. However, red/green anything still conjures images of Santa, snow storms, and haphazardly wrapped boxes filled with confounding gifts.

Second; I was really in the mood for a taco today, but when I trolled the neighborhood for my favorite trucks, it dawned on me that THOSE SONS OF BITCHES SOLD OUT. Not out of tacos, mind you; but they had forfeited the virtual identity of their entire business by capitalizing on this American holiday. All of the taco trucks in Hawthorne and Lennox had magically transformed into firecracker vendors today. Shrouded in red, white and blue cloth and draped with the occasional American flag, I barely recognized the trailers formerly titled, "¡Sí, aceptamos tarjetas de crédito!" Now, they are strictly referred to as, "USA celebrate with fireworks!", trucks. Unfortunately, you are out of luck if you aspire to celebrate 4th of July with carnitas.

Third - let's go back to those gold sparklies (the best of any fireworks ever created) - I can't even begin to explain the smack of orgasmic glee which strikes me any time one of these suckers erupts and showers upon me a billion winks of joy. It's like the Heavens decided to rain gold sequins, FOR ONCE. I'm not certain if anyone else has an uncontrollable, hyperactive reaction to any variety of gold sparklies, but it leads me to conclude that;

1. I am, in actuality, a gay man.

2. My Polish heritage is partially to blame.

3. I need Ritalin, beca---THAT THING THAT WENT BOOM LOOKS VERY PRETTY!

...

Happy 4th of July.