I Am Here to Help

I found myself home at 1:30AM last night; I had been out all day with a friend from high school who happened to be in town for a business conference.  As it turns out, she is seriously considering migrating to Los Angeles and therefore requested a tour of the city.  She confided to me, "there is no hope anymore in Pittsburgh," (for herself) and that she was looking for a place which is less miserable overall.  

So I thought, hey, what is the best way to present L.A.'s most resplendent qualities and character to a total newbie?  DUH!  Sojourn everywhere by train and county bus!  And boy, did Los Angeles ever bestow itself resolutely.  Here are some of the more memorable episodes:

1. Cross-eyed, cracked-out woman on the Blue Line shuffling down the aisle and muttering, "All I gots is what I gots.  Anybody can you spare me juss 35 cent?  JUSSSS 35 CENT-AHHH!"

2. Elderly homeless man on the Red Line blowing spit bubbles and chewing loudly at other commuters.  WHILE SMILING.

3. Two young men in matching t-shirts on the Trolley to Manhattan Beach who asserted repeatedly, "We ain't got no jobs, but we ENTREPRENEURS.  You wanna make some money!?"

4. Tranny hooker on Hollywood Blvd.

5. Hollywood smoke shop employee who insisted, "Y'know, I'm a doctor.  I can get you a license and get you some real good shit! I mean, this shit will FUCK YOU UP.  Just come back to me when you move into town.  Fuck Pennsylvania, that shit is WEAK.  It's legal here, you knowwhataaahhmsayin'!

6. Very short man and his gargantuan ladyfriend on the Blue Line who were lovely enough to serenade the entire train car with Ol' Dirty Bastard on his boombox, then rap a freestyle jam about character #7.  "This is Amer-ica, you crazy bitch, donnn't be givin' me yo' nasty itch!  You look like you gonna stab me, ho, I bet 'cause you can't handle my FLOW."

7. Homeless elderly woman who proceeded to chide the very short man for his loud music.  "AHHH CANNN'T HEAR MAH STOP.  YOUR MUSIC IS TOO LOUD."

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In case you were wondering, my friend is now totally sold.  L.A. is truly the promised land!