I Am Here to Help

I found myself home at 1:30AM last night; I had been out all day with a friend from high school who happened to be in town for a business conference.  As it turns out, she is seriously considering migrating to Los Angeles and therefore requested a tour of the city.  She confided to me, "there is no hope anymore in Pittsburgh," (for herself) and that she was looking for a place which is less miserable overall.  

So I thought, hey, what is the best way to present L.A.'s most resplendent qualities and character to a total newbie?  DUH!  Sojourn everywhere by train and county bus!  And boy, did Los Angeles ever bestow itself resolutely.  Here are some of the more memorable episodes:

1. Cross-eyed, cracked-out woman on the Blue Line shuffling down the aisle and muttering, "All I gots is what I gots.  Anybody can you spare me juss 35 cent?  JUSSSS 35 CENT-AHHH!"

2. Elderly homeless man on the Red Line blowing spit bubbles and chewing loudly at other commuters.  WHILE SMILING.

3. Two young men in matching t-shirts on the Trolley to Manhattan Beach who asserted repeatedly, "We ain't got no jobs, but we ENTREPRENEURS.  You wanna make some money!?"

4. Tranny hooker on Hollywood Blvd.

5. Hollywood smoke shop employee who insisted, "Y'know, I'm a doctor.  I can get you a license and get you some real good shit! I mean, this shit will FUCK YOU UP.  Just come back to me when you move into town.  Fuck Pennsylvania, that shit is WEAK.  It's legal here, you knowwhataaahhmsayin'!

6. Very short man and his gargantuan ladyfriend on the Blue Line who were lovely enough to serenade the entire train car with Ol' Dirty Bastard on his boombox, then rap a freestyle jam about character #7.  "This is Amer-ica, you crazy bitch, donnn't be givin' me yo' nasty itch!  You look like you gonna stab me, ho, I bet 'cause you can't handle my FLOW."

7. Homeless elderly woman who proceeded to chide the very short man for his loud music.  "AHHH CANNN'T HEAR MAH STOP.  YOUR MUSIC IS TOO LOUD."

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In case you were wondering, my friend is now totally sold.  L.A. is truly the promised land!

No Tengo Un Bebé

On the train last night, I was approached by a young Mexican man who spoke very little English. Despite this, he felt very confident in his abilities to communicate; and he very obviously had a burning desire to speak with me. After dodging a slightly uncomfortable stare session, I allowed him to at least try to explain himself. This is how it went -

Him: Hi. I see you yesterday on this train. You are, how old?

Me: 24.

Him: You have babies?

Me: Uhmm.....no children.

Him: REALLY?

He was in complete disbelief that a woman of 24 years would not already have at least ONE child. No babies? OMGlady! TIME IS RUNNING OUT FOR YOU.

He pressed on.

Him: I see you with the, uh, paper. (Makes sketching motion with his hands). You are an artist?

Me: I draw a lot. I went to art school.

Him: Ahhh, y I am a writer! I write my dreams. I show you. You have paper? Can I use?

I lend him a piece of paper and the hard top of my sketchbook, and he excitedly drafts his most recent reverie. Accompanied by an illustration. And whaddya know? It is two swans kissing in a lake surrounded by tropical islands. He expounds.

Him: My dreams, they are...very romantic. I write a romance novel on my computer!

A pause.

Him: I put you in my romance novel!

Believe it or not, I insisted that my character would not be relevant to such a story. And though I never asked him to explain his novel further, I'll have to assume it is a story of a brief, yet heated love affair by which I produce multiple babies.

Shortly thereafter was his stop. He excused himself with a handshake and a smile - then says, "next time." Next time, WHAT???! I'm afraid he left me hanging. Just like a writer of suspense and passionate drama. He's totally legit!