Apple Support at Its Finest

"I Think Your Marriage Is a Glitch"

Since I've Been Apathetic and Deliquent

Here is a list of stuff from the past month or so.

-October 18th:  Saw Patti Smith in concert at the Orpheum.  Rock ON!

-October 31st: Halloween in West Hollywood.  Went to Carnaval and a club.  I was a dominatrix.  Had my ass licked (in an abrupt sneak attack) by a drunk and disorderly man who, in turn, was elbowed in the kidneys and beaten with the metal base of my whip.  His reaction?  "Ohh damn.  My bad."   He did not understand my costume.

-November 4th:  Spent the night listening to the neighborhood Obamarama.  And watching streaming CNN.

-November 8th: Attended a dinner to benefit the charity "Smile Train."  A friend / former co-worker recently established a non-profit organization in memory of her niece.  The evening was hosted by her group; friends, family and volunteers.

-Today:  Poked and prodded a German co-worker until he faced me in a very austere, German manner and stated, "Hey.  You will pay for that."  With the accent!  LOVE IT!

-Tonight:  New James Bond movie.  Midnight showing in Westwood!

Happy Year to Me

Today marks the one-year anniversary of my move to Los Angeles.  Living here has been good for me, and I am eternally thankful for this time....

Oh THANK GOD, IT'S ON YOUTUBE!

Here's a great video to imitate in the confines of your lonely bedroom.  It also gives mundane household chores a little pizzazz!:

Does Not Belong to Me

Here we have the pig version of the evil angler fish from Finding Nemo. 

I am afraid to fall asleep tonight.  Dare I chance a nocturnal disembowelment?

It was found at the 2008 Hershey, PA classic car show/swap meet.  My father could not resist taking a photo and scaring the bejesus* out of me by sharing via e-mail.  I don't think I had much bejesus* in me to begin with, but if I did, by GOD, it's absent now.  I have a sinking feeling that I could use some to courageously battle the demon pig image which haunts my brain.

*As referenced by a totally reliable source, here.

Connotations Differ on the West Coast

Smell of burning leaves in Pennsylvania:

Fuck yeah, we're gonna have s'mores!  And hot chocolate!  

Smell of burning leaves in California:

Shit, we might die.  Somebody call the fire department.

Self-Assurance Free with IKEA Purchase

Furniture assembly instructions from IKEA - these bring so much joy and amusement to my life.  They also cause me to feel unduly brilliant.  Whoever created this sequential illustration deserves some sort of award for that.

True to Life.

The Eight Phases of Dating  - click click for lolz!

Still Surfing in October

Captured at Venice Beach, 10/4/08.  As a transplant from Pennsylvania, it never ceases to amaze me that beach weather here extends well into the autumn months...

Where u go, Russia?

This made me want to take the red pill (or was it the blue pill?) and go night-night.  For a VERY. LONG. TIME. -

At least she is addressing the issue of sneaky Russians, I think.  I mean, that line, 

"They are in the state that I'm the executive of!"

causes me great anxiety for a few reasons;

1. She claims the Russians are within her jurisdiction.  Russian troops have already penetrated our borders once this year - HERE - so, this has become a matter of national security.

2. That sentence ended in a preposition and is therefore alarming to my senses.

...But anyway! Her astute observations continue, as she reveals herself to be a truly credible source on the tactics of Russian espionage -

"As Putin - where's his head?  And, uh, comes into the airspace of the United States of America, wh-where do they go?"

Holy shit, where DO they go?  She is correct in previously mentioning that Russia is close to Alaska - I just checked Google maps for reference.  I must say, however, that I'm extremely relieved by Alaska's proactive approach to border safety.  I mean, we are sending "those" out to "make sure an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia..."

"Those"?  Sarah Palin knows how to protect America, and not just with hunting rifles!  Sounds like a secret.  A delicious secret.  She may want to let Bush in on this one, since we are trying to fence the Mexicans out...I hear it's not going so well.

This is Possibly How I Came Into Existence

Today, amidst my monthly closet-dive, I stumbled upon this treasure of all treasures - a photo of my parents on their 1983 honeymoon in Canada. 

Wow.  That must have been one week of pure, absolute salacious bliss.

It is nice to know that my mother and father were once an inconceivably sweet couple who dressed in matching outfits.  Raincoats, at that.  On a lightly cloudy day.  Do you see rain?  Because I don't.  Maybe there was the remote possibility of a storm (100 miles away), but my bullshit detector is flaring up at the moment.  I mean, if those glasses truly were the style of the times, I can't imagine one would stop short of wrapping themselves in a bright yellow plastic bag (with flannel lining?) for the whole world to see.  And don't even get me started on the fucking hat.

For a new set of reasons, I will once again declare that I AM SO GLAD THE 80's WERE NOT A PART OF MY ADULT, OR EVEN ADOLESCENT LIFE.  I was a mere child who probably assumed every day to be a lesser version of Halloween.  Then Halloween really would arrive, and everybody looked exactly the same, save for some cheap vampire fangs or broomstick prop.  And the candy, of course.  And those poisonous, child un-friendly glow sticks that I always chewed on.  

My problems now are beginning to make much more sense.

This is for Your Own Safety

Texans urged to evacute...imminent Bush visit.

Eat this Snickers, You Skinny Bitch, and Say Hello to the Chicken Man for Me

Being a food lover with an extraordinarily fast metabolism works to my advantage in most any environment - especially the office. It seems as though every two hours, if I haven't yet wandered through peoples' personal spaces in a desperate search for food and/or entertainment, I am automatically offered a treat of some sort by a concerned passerby. Invariably, they will state something to the effect of, "Oh my god. You're losing weight. Like, a lot of weight...here, have this doughnut." -or- "Why can't I have your 'problem'? Here's a candy bar, hopefully you will wake up with a tire around your waist tomorrow."

They keep feeding me, and to their dismay, I continue to exhibit the same figure.

Today I realized that my co-workers have me on a feeding schedule - though it is not entirely regimented (I do not always have to wait two long hours), there is no end to the offerings. And I'm not complaining.

Generally, my first concern of any given work day is to grab breakfast to-go from the employee cafeteria (this is after I eat breakfast at home prior to my shift). Once I am finished, the first individual to notice that my desk is lacking in food items will assail me with whatever food item they can find. A pretzel? How about some old peppermints I found in my drawer?! ANYTHING TO KEEP YOU ALIVE AND FUNCTIONING UNTIL YOU GET YOURSELF SOME MEDICAL ATTENTION. This persists throughout the day.

I fear that if I do not begin to gain weight like a normal human, they will soon ship me off to the circus, and I would become the only creature the public would be encouraged to feed...awesome.

But!! Then again, I will be forced to spend time around clowns. NOT. COOL.

I Prefer Chicken.

Maritime Wonders

San Pedro, 8/31/08.

City Sky and the Beauty Therein

View from Broadway Ave., Hawthorne, CA on 8/29/08.

Character Building

I like to think that much of my early adolescence was spent developing a solid sense of personal identity, principle, and purpose. Experience was the grand facilitator, however vicarious - as I have TV to thank for much of it.

Below is a list of skills learned and qualities relative to my (current) disposition. All are accompanied by explanations - YouTube clips of the aforementioned TV influences.

- ANALYSIS
- NEGOTIATION
- CONDUCT
- COGNIZANCE
- EMPATHY

Any person who assumes that TV is an incomplete educational tool probably did not have enough Scott Bakula in their formative years.

I Am Here to Help

I found myself home at 1:30AM last night; I had been out all day with a friend from high school who happened to be in town for a business conference.  As it turns out, she is seriously considering migrating to Los Angeles and therefore requested a tour of the city.  She confided to me, "there is no hope anymore in Pittsburgh," (for herself) and that she was looking for a place which is less miserable overall.  

So I thought, hey, what is the best way to present L.A.'s most resplendent qualities and character to a total newbie?  DUH!  Sojourn everywhere by train and county bus!  And boy, did Los Angeles ever bestow itself resolutely.  Here are some of the more memorable episodes:

1. Cross-eyed, cracked-out woman on the Blue Line shuffling down the aisle and muttering, "All I gots is what I gots.  Anybody can you spare me juss 35 cent?  JUSSSS 35 CENT-AHHH!"

2. Elderly homeless man on the Red Line blowing spit bubbles and chewing loudly at other commuters.  WHILE SMILING.

3. Two young men in matching t-shirts on the Trolley to Manhattan Beach who asserted repeatedly, "We ain't got no jobs, but we ENTREPRENEURS.  You wanna make some money!?"

4. Tranny hooker on Hollywood Blvd.

5. Hollywood smoke shop employee who insisted, "Y'know, I'm a doctor.  I can get you a license and get you some real good shit! I mean, this shit will FUCK YOU UP.  Just come back to me when you move into town.  Fuck Pennsylvania, that shit is WEAK.  It's legal here, you knowwhataaahhmsayin'!

6. Very short man and his gargantuan ladyfriend on the Blue Line who were lovely enough to serenade the entire train car with Ol' Dirty Bastard on his boombox, then rap a freestyle jam about character #7.  "This is Amer-ica, you crazy bitch, donnn't be givin' me yo' nasty itch!  You look like you gonna stab me, ho, I bet 'cause you can't handle my FLOW."

7. Homeless elderly woman who proceeded to chide the very short man for his loud music.  "AHHH CANNN'T HEAR MAH STOP.  YOUR MUSIC IS TOO LOUD."

--

In case you were wondering, my friend is now totally sold.  L.A. is truly the promised land!

LOLBush

Courtesy of the Guardian UK, courtesy of Steph at the workplace -














More here!

Just Try And Tell Me This is Not Fly.

I feel fulfilled.  Finally, after multiple failed attempts, I've obtained a download of the song, "Are You Jimmy Ray?" by...uh, Jimmy Ray.

For years this song has been stuck in my head.  It manifests inexplicably, and at very inopportune moments. 

For your viewing pleasure, here is the music video:

HOW FANTASTIC IS THIS?!

Oh Jimmy Ray, I am feelin' dangerous!  Therefore, I might as well admit - at least once, back in the day, I tried to imitate the ghettofab dance moves in this video.  Because in 1997 / 1998, this was not only forgivable - it was actively encouraged, as a sober venture even! (...Albeit by individuals equally as sad as myself).   I survived it, and considering, I think I've turned out well - for example, I've never expressed interest in becoming a cheerleader.

Now please excuse me while I download an embarrassing amount of Coolio, Jock Jams, and SKEE-LO!