This is for Your Own Safety

Texans urged to evacute...imminent Bush visit.

Eat this Snickers, You Skinny Bitch, and Say Hello to the Chicken Man for Me

Being a food lover with an extraordinarily fast metabolism works to my advantage in most any environment - especially the office. It seems as though every two hours, if I haven't yet wandered through peoples' personal spaces in a desperate search for food and/or entertainment, I am automatically offered a treat of some sort by a concerned passerby. Invariably, they will state something to the effect of, "Oh my god. You're losing weight. Like, a lot of weight...here, have this doughnut." -or- "Why can't I have your 'problem'? Here's a candy bar, hopefully you will wake up with a tire around your waist tomorrow."

They keep feeding me, and to their dismay, I continue to exhibit the same figure.

Today I realized that my co-workers have me on a feeding schedule - though it is not entirely regimented (I do not always have to wait two long hours), there is no end to the offerings. And I'm not complaining.

Generally, my first concern of any given work day is to grab breakfast to-go from the employee cafeteria (this is after I eat breakfast at home prior to my shift). Once I am finished, the first individual to notice that my desk is lacking in food items will assail me with whatever food item they can find. A pretzel? How about some old peppermints I found in my drawer?! ANYTHING TO KEEP YOU ALIVE AND FUNCTIONING UNTIL YOU GET YOURSELF SOME MEDICAL ATTENTION. This persists throughout the day.

I fear that if I do not begin to gain weight like a normal human, they will soon ship me off to the circus, and I would become the only creature the public would be encouraged to feed...awesome.

But!! Then again, I will be forced to spend time around clowns. NOT. COOL.

I Prefer Chicken.

Maritime Wonders

San Pedro, 8/31/08.

City Sky and the Beauty Therein

View from Broadway Ave., Hawthorne, CA on 8/29/08.

Character Building

I like to think that much of my early adolescence was spent developing a solid sense of personal identity, principle, and purpose. Experience was the grand facilitator, however vicarious - as I have TV to thank for much of it.

Below is a list of skills learned and qualities relative to my (current) disposition. All are accompanied by explanations - YouTube clips of the aforementioned TV influences.

- ANALYSIS
- NEGOTIATION
- CONDUCT
- COGNIZANCE
- EMPATHY

Any person who assumes that TV is an incomplete educational tool probably did not have enough Scott Bakula in their formative years.

I Am Here to Help

I found myself home at 1:30AM last night; I had been out all day with a friend from high school who happened to be in town for a business conference.  As it turns out, she is seriously considering migrating to Los Angeles and therefore requested a tour of the city.  She confided to me, "there is no hope anymore in Pittsburgh," (for herself) and that she was looking for a place which is less miserable overall.  

So I thought, hey, what is the best way to present L.A.'s most resplendent qualities and character to a total newbie?  DUH!  Sojourn everywhere by train and county bus!  And boy, did Los Angeles ever bestow itself resolutely.  Here are some of the more memorable episodes:

1. Cross-eyed, cracked-out woman on the Blue Line shuffling down the aisle and muttering, "All I gots is what I gots.  Anybody can you spare me juss 35 cent?  JUSSSS 35 CENT-AHHH!"

2. Elderly homeless man on the Red Line blowing spit bubbles and chewing loudly at other commuters.  WHILE SMILING.

3. Two young men in matching t-shirts on the Trolley to Manhattan Beach who asserted repeatedly, "We ain't got no jobs, but we ENTREPRENEURS.  You wanna make some money!?"

4. Tranny hooker on Hollywood Blvd.

5. Hollywood smoke shop employee who insisted, "Y'know, I'm a doctor.  I can get you a license and get you some real good shit! I mean, this shit will FUCK YOU UP.  Just come back to me when you move into town.  Fuck Pennsylvania, that shit is WEAK.  It's legal here, you knowwhataaahhmsayin'!

6. Very short man and his gargantuan ladyfriend on the Blue Line who were lovely enough to serenade the entire train car with Ol' Dirty Bastard on his boombox, then rap a freestyle jam about character #7.  "This is Amer-ica, you crazy bitch, donnn't be givin' me yo' nasty itch!  You look like you gonna stab me, ho, I bet 'cause you can't handle my FLOW."

7. Homeless elderly woman who proceeded to chide the very short man for his loud music.  "AHHH CANNN'T HEAR MAH STOP.  YOUR MUSIC IS TOO LOUD."

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In case you were wondering, my friend is now totally sold.  L.A. is truly the promised land!