Eight months ago, I moved to the second-most populated metropolis in America - Los Angeles. Since then, I've been plagued and threatened incessantly by the very thing I thought I'd escape by relocating here - Nature. Inauspicious nature. WILDERNESS WANTS TO KILL ME, even in the big city. Some examples include:
Shark's tooth found at Redondo Beach. This didn't initially seem ominous - but then I blithely revealed my discovery to some locals. They all seemed uneasy, and all claimed, "WOW. I've lived here - 10 /15/ 20 - years, and I've never found one of those at any beach in SoCal!" Oh great. Do I go in the water? Or do I float a sacrificial dummy with my likeness out there first?
Snake in Palos Verdes - thankfully, this fellow was not of the poisonous / deadly variety, but again, associate reaction to this photo has ranged from, "I would fucking shit myself if I saw that," to, "RATTLESNAKES LIVE THERE TOO AND THEY HAVE THE ABILITY TO VAULT THEMSELVES AT YOU FROM 12 FEET AWAY. You don't want a flying snake hitting you like an Amazonian blow dart, do you?!!?"
And, the kicker -
RIGHT IN MY OWN BACKYARD. I think we can all agree - this squirrel has a ravenous, compulsory longing for human blood. It just kept staring at me like that. What the...?? Squirrels are supposed to be hypersonic spazz rats with a volcanic glee for tree nuts and bird feed houses. And when they do get mad or territorial for a brief moment, it always ends up on YouTube. Because there is no fight in the entire animal kingdom more comical than a boxing squirrel death match. Unless it includes the squirrel pictured above. I don't think I could win a fight against that thing if you armed me with a sledgehammer and a can of mace.
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